https://blue.feedland.org/?river=http://data.feedland.org/blue/feeds/ASMH.xml It's just a feed for now Wed, 13 May 2026 02:55:38 GMT feedland v0.6.43 https://cyber.harvard.edu/rss/rss.html Wed, 13 May 2026 02:55:37 GMT http://rpc.rsscloud.io:5337/pleaseNotify Tue, May 12, 2026 10:55 PM EDT <p>I wanted to write this earlier but forgot to. I only wish it were positive.</p> <p>Toni and I are so miserable tonight. She&#39;s depressed and frustrated and watching her that way is killing me, making me more stressed. I&#39;m not feeling well myself, having gotten my 5th cold in 5 months because one of my student&#39;s mother decided to send him on the bus sick as crap 5 days in a row. The mix of stress weakening my immune system and poor decision making by parents have given me that cold. I have a doctor&#39;s appointment on Friday, though unrelated, it will come up. I&#39;m eating way too much but not gaining weight, and I&#39;m so just worn out mentally and physically. My students are becoming more and more aggressive with me to the point I&#39;ve been punched on the bus 6 times this week. It&#39;s not helping that I got blown off for an attempt to a promotion a few weeks ago (didn&#39;t even get a chance to be told we&#39;re just not interested), I&#39;m trying another but so far it&#39;s been 11 days and I&#39;ve heard nothing so far.) I keeping getting told I&#39;m a good employee and one of the better monitors they have, but it&#39;s not paying the bills and I&#39;m feeling more useless by the day.</p> <p>Meanwhile, Toni is absolutely miserable. The part where I&#39;m not working enough in this job, the part where she&#39;s being run into the ground by bosses who make her do 10x of the work of her colleagues for no extra money. She&#39;s upset that all her good colleagues are leaving for better jobs and she&#39;s stuck there because I can&#39;t find another job. To make it worse, one of my former colleagues was at the Sunoco this evening when Toni and I were there and apparently now has a better job where she now gets to drive an Audi every day instead of the Jeep Wagoneer she used to have. If that&#39;s not a kick in the face to me, I don&#39;t know what it is. 4 college degrees just rotting away because in now almost 10 years, no one wants me. It&#39;s quite the slap in the face. Over 1000 jobs applied for, probably close to 1100 at this point, and I&#39;ve been told that basically I&#39;m a useless grunt. If not for the fact I retain a little hope, I feel like suicide would be the only answer. But with Toni so miserable and knowing I want to be the one providing for her and her not having to work, it hurts.</p> <p>Just once, I wish someone I knew had connections to a head hunter or a recruiter looking for me. I get it, the job market freaking stinks, but this is untenable. Toni wants a chance to be herself and she&#39;s not getting it. I&#39;ve barely had the time to be myself, having not done makeup in months or painted my nails in months. I look horrid in the mirror and it shows how ugly I am. I&#39;m tired from working all these 6-4 shifts where I don&#39;t get paid in the middle. A 9-5 feels so hard to get by. It&#39;s all I&#39;ve wanted for the last 10 years because then I can get a job adjuncting and honing the craft I set out to do. But when the phones aren&#39;t ringing back ever, it sucks. I want Toni to have the best life and all I&#39;m doing is failing her every single day. I don&#39;t care if I&#39;m miserable, but I&#39;m more miserable when she&#39;s miserable. I&#39;d rather work too much to provide her than not work enough. Toni wants me to work at a grocery store doing anything if I have to. While I understand her logic, unless it&#39;s offering like 90hrs of work and even then, the stench of failure will just grow larger on me.</p> <p>Like, I would beg someone to know someone. I&#39;m clearly no good at hobnobbing with the people who are c-class executives. I&#39;m not asking for much, but I&#39;m asking for help. Like please. Things at home just stink cause my self-harm rates are through the roof (which with me means punching myself in the head), both of us are stressed to the gourd. I just hate it. Toni and I have no friends, no hobbies and no social life around here.</p> <p>Like, someone try, pleasssssssssse. My stench of failure is strong and I do nothing but apply for jobs and blame myself for this every minute of every day. I don&#39;t blame Toni one bit. I&#39;m 35 years old. I got my Masters when I was 26 and I&#39;ve accomplished dicksquat since. I provide baseball statistics and racing statistics and it seems like no one cares on social media about that either. And frankly, when people say, well have you tried this with your resume, it&#39;s like lipstick on a pig. How many times can you cover up crap.</p> <p>If I was destine to be a failure at life, I wish someone would tell me already.</p> Wed, 13 May 2026 02:55:38 GMT https://blue.feedland.org/?item=815109 https://blue.feedland.org/?item=815109 I wanted to write this earlier but forgot to. I only wish it were positive. Toni and I are so miserable tonight. She's depressed and frustrated and watching her that way is killing me, making me more stressed. I'm not feeling well myself, having gotten my 5th cold in 5 months because one of my student's mother decided to send him on the bus sick as crap 5 days in a row. The mix of stress weakening my immune system and poor decision making by parents have given me that cold. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, though unrelated, it will come up. I'm eating way too much but not gaining weight, and I'm so just worn out mentally and physically. My students are becoming more and more aggressive with me to the point I've been punched on the bus 6 times this week. It's not helping that I got blown off for an attempt to a promotion a few weeks ago (didn't even get a chance to be told we're just not interested), I'm trying another but so far it's been 11 days and I've heard nothing so far.) I keeping getting told I'm a good employee and one of the better monitors they have, but it's not paying the bills and I'm feeling more useless by the day. Meanwhile, Toni is absolutely miserable. The part where I'm not working enough in this job, the part where she's being run into the ground by bosses who make her do 10x of the work of her colleagues for no extra money. She's upset that all her good colleagues are leaving for better jobs and she's stuck there because I can't find another job. To make it worse, one of my former colleagues was at the Sunoco this evening when Toni and I were there and apparently now has a better job where she now gets to drive an Audi every day instead of the Jeep Wagoneer she used to have. If that's not a kick in the face to me, I don't know what it is. 4 college degrees just rotting away because in now almost 10 years, no one wants me. It's quite the slap in the face. Over 1000 jobs applied for, probably close to 1100 at this point, and I've been told that basically I'm a useless grunt. If not for the fact I retain a little hope, I feel like suicide would be the only answer. But with Toni so miserable and knowing I want to be the one providing for her and her not having to work, it hurts. Just once, I wish someone I knew had connections to a head hunter or a recruiter looking for me. I get it, the job market freaking stinks, but this is untenable. Toni wants a chance to be herself and she's not getting it. I've barely had the time to be myself, having not done makeup in months or painted my nails in months. I look horrid in the mirror and it shows how ugly I am. I'm tired from working all these 6-4 shifts where I don't get paid in the middle. A 9-5 feels so hard to get by. It's all I've wanted for the last 10 years because then I can get a job adjuncting and honing the craft I set out to do. But when the phones aren't ringing back ever, it sucks. I want Toni to have the best life and all I'm doing is failing her every single day. I don't care if I'm miserable, but I'm more miserable when she's miserable. I'd rather work too much to provide her than not work enough. Toni wants me to work at a grocery store doing anything if I have to. While I understand her logic, unless it's offering like 90hrs of work and even then, the stench of failure will just grow larger on me. Like, I would beg someone to know someone. I'm clearly no good at hobnobbing with the people who are c-class executives. I'm not asking for much, but I'm asking for help. Like please. Things at home just stink cause my self-harm rates are through the roof (which with me means punching myself in the head), both of us are stressed to the gourd. I just hate it. Toni and I have no friends, no hobbies and no social life around here. Like, someone try, pleasssssssssse. My stench of failure is strong and I do nothing but apply for jobs and blame myself for this every minute of every day. I don't blame Toni one bit. I'm 35 years old. I got my Masters when I was 26 and I've accomplished dicksquat since. I provide baseball statistics and racing statistics and it seems like no one cares on social media about that either. And frankly, when people say, well have you tried this with your resume, it's like lipstick on a pig. How many times can you cover up crap. If I was destine to be a failure at life, I wish someone would tell me already. <p>I wanted to write this earlier but forgot to. I only wish it were positive.</p> <p>Toni and I are so miserable tonight. She&#39;s depressed and frustrated and watching her that way is killing me, making me more stressed. I&#39;m not feeling well myself, having gotten my 5th cold in 5 months because one of my student&#39;s mother decided to send him on the bus sick as crap 5 days in a row. The mix of stress weakening my immune system and poor decision making by parents have given me that cold. I have a doctor&#39;s appointment on Friday, though unrelated, it will come up. I&#39;m eating way too much but not gaining weight, and I&#39;m so just worn out mentally and physically. My students are becoming more and more aggressive with me to the point I&#39;ve been punched on the bus 6 times this week. It&#39;s not helping that I got blown off for an attempt to a promotion a few weeks ago (didn&#39;t even get a chance to be told we&#39;re just not interested), I&#39;m trying another but so far it&#39;s been 11 days and I&#39;ve heard nothing so far.) I keeping getting told I&#39;m a good employee and one of the better monitors they have, but it&#39;s not paying the bills and I&#39;m feeling more useless by the day.</p> <p>Meanwhile, Toni is absolutely miserable. The part where I&#39;m not working enough in this job, the part where she&#39;s being run into the ground by bosses who make her do 10x of the work of her colleagues for no extra money. She&#39;s upset that all her good colleagues are leaving for better jobs and she&#39;s stuck there because I can&#39;t find another job. To make it worse, one of my former colleagues was at the Sunoco this evening when Toni and I were there and apparently now has a better job where she now gets to drive an Audi every day instead of the Jeep Wagoneer she used to have. If that&#39;s not a kick in the face to me, I don&#39;t know what it is. 4 college degrees just rotting away because in now almost 10 years, no one wants me. It&#39;s quite the slap in the face. Over 1000 jobs applied for, probably close to 1100 at this point, and I&#39;ve been told that basically I&#39;m a useless grunt. If not for the fact I retain a little hope, I feel like suicide would be the only answer. But with Toni so miserable and knowing I want to be the one providing for her and her not having to work, it hurts.</p> <p>Just once, I wish someone I knew had connections to a head hunter or a recruiter looking for me. I get it, the job market freaking stinks, but this is untenable. Toni wants a chance to be herself and she&#39;s not getting it. I&#39;ve barely had the time to be myself, having not done makeup in months or painted my nails in months. I look horrid in the mirror and it shows how ugly I am. I&#39;m tired from working all these 6-4 shifts where I don&#39;t get paid in the middle. A 9-5 feels so hard to get by. It&#39;s all I&#39;ve wanted for the last 10 years because then I can get a job adjuncting and honing the craft I set out to do. But when the phones aren&#39;t ringing back ever, it sucks. I want Toni to have the best life and all I&#39;m doing is failing her every single day. I don&#39;t care if I&#39;m miserable, but I&#39;m more miserable when she&#39;s miserable. I&#39;d rather work too much to provide her than not work enough. Toni wants me to work at a grocery store doing anything if I have to. While I understand her logic, unless it&#39;s offering like 90hrs of work and even then, the stench of failure will just grow larger on me.</p> <p>Like, I would beg someone to know someone. I&#39;m clearly no good at hobnobbing with the people who are c-class executives. I&#39;m not asking for much, but I&#39;m asking for help. Like please. Things at home just stink cause my self-harm rates are through the roof (which with me means punching myself in the head), both of us are stressed to the gourd. I just hate it. Toni and I have no friends, no hobbies and no social life around here.</p> <p>Like, someone try, pleasssssssssse. My stench of failure is strong and I do nothing but apply for jobs and blame myself for this every minute of every day. I don&#39;t blame Toni one bit. I&#39;m 35 years old. I got my Masters when I was 26 and I&#39;ve accomplished dicksquat since. I provide baseball statistics and racing statistics and it seems like no one cares on social media about that either. And frankly, when people say, well have you tried this with your resume, it&#39;s like lipstick on a pig. How many times can you cover up crap.</p> <p>If I was destine to be a failure at life, I wish someone would tell me already.</p> Wed, 13 May 2026 02:54:36 GMT https://blue.feedland.org/?item=815108 https://blue.feedland.org/?item=815108 I wanted to write this earlier but forgot to. I only wish it were positive. Toni and I are so miserable tonight. She's depressed and frustrated and watching her that way is killing me, making me more stressed. I'm not feeling well myself, having gotten my 5th cold in 5 months because one of my student's mother decided to send him on the bus sick as crap 5 days in a row. The mix of stress weakening my immune system and poor decision making by parents have given me that cold. I have a doctor's appointment on Friday, though unrelated, it will come up. I'm eating way too much but not gaining weight, and I'm so just worn out mentally and physically. My students are becoming more and more aggressive with me to the point I've been punched on the bus 6 times this week. It's not helping that I got blown off for an attempt to a promotion a few weeks ago (didn't even get a chance to be told we're just not interested), I'm trying another but so far it's been 11 days and I've heard nothing so far.) I keeping getting told I'm a good employee and one of the better monitors they have, but it's not paying the bills and I'm feeling more useless by the day. Meanwhile, Toni is absolutely miserable. The part where I'm not working enough in this job, the part where she's being run into the ground by bosses who make her do 10x of the work of her colleagues for no extra money. She's upset that all her good colleagues are leaving for better jobs and she's stuck there because I can't find another job. To make it worse, one of my former colleagues was at the Sunoco this evening when Toni and I were there and apparently now has a better job where she now gets to drive an Audi every day instead of the Jeep Wagoneer she used to have. If that's not a kick in the face to me, I don't know what it is. 4 college degrees just rotting away because in now almost 10 years, no one wants me. It's quite the slap in the face. Over 1000 jobs applied for, probably close to 1100 at this point, and I've been told that basically I'm a useless grunt. If not for the fact I retain a little hope, I feel like suicide would be the only answer. But with Toni so miserable and knowing I want to be the one providing for her and her not having to work, it hurts. Just once, I wish someone I knew had connections to a head hunter or a recruiter looking for me. I get it, the job market freaking stinks, but this is untenable. Toni wants a chance to be herself and she's not getting it. I've barely had the time to be myself, having not done makeup in months or painted my nails in months. I look horrid in the mirror and it shows how ugly I am. I'm tired from working all these 6-4 shifts where I don't get paid in the middle. A 9-5 feels so hard to get by. It's all I've wanted for the last 10 years because then I can get a job adjuncting and honing the craft I set out to do. But when the phones aren't ringing back ever, it sucks. I want Toni to have the best life and all I'm doing is failing her every single day. I don't care if I'm miserable, but I'm more miserable when she's miserable. I'd rather work too much to provide her than not work enough. Toni wants me to work at a grocery store doing anything if I have to. While I understand her logic, unless it's offering like 90hrs of work and even then, the stench of failure will just grow larger on me. Like, I would beg someone to know someone. I'm clearly no good at hobnobbing with the people who are c-class executives. I'm not asking for much, but I'm asking for help. Like please. Things at home just stink cause my self-harm rates are through the roof (which with me means punching myself in the head), both of us are stressed to the gourd. I just hate it. Toni and I have no friends, no hobbies and no social life around here. Like, someone try, pleasssssssssse. My stench of failure is strong and I do nothing but apply for jobs and blame myself for this every minute of every day. I don't blame Toni one bit. I'm 35 years old. I got my Masters when I was 26 and I've accomplished dicksquat since. I provide baseball statistics and racing statistics and it seems like no one cares on social media about that either. And frankly, when people say, well have you tried this with your resume, it's like lipstick on a pig. How many times can you cover up crap. If I was destine to be a failure at life, I wish someone would tell me already.